Months of the same 'shit.'

I quit self medicating with drugs throughout my severe social anxiety and began focusing it on a new solution. Video games, I saw them as an escape from reality, little did I know, it would be more then just an escape. Video games basically ruined my education, I could have tried harder now looking back on it...Yeah, the anxiety was a fair enough scapegoat to dropping out of school and beginning to do it online, but still. I forced myself out of New Albany and into staying at home, for the next three months at least. I had a tutor, he would stop by and drop off homework and sometimes see how I was doing, he only came by for probably 4-5 trips, before New Albany faded.

I knew this was going to happen, I fucking played it out in my head weeks ago, I knew I was going to drop out. Luckily a strand of hope was holding onto me and I went to withdraw from New Albany and register for Treca Digital Academy. I loathed in my basement chain smoking, playing video games, and seldom doing school work.

[Under Construction, sorry folks.]

The Attempt to Adapt.

I remember waking up to the smell of breakfast, you know, Waffles, semi-burnt toast in the air, fresh tea, just a normal smell of ones breakfast. I also can recall being relatively calm throughout the morning in getting ready for school. Everything was normal for the 30 minutes I can recall. My mother told me that it was time for me to go to School so she began driving me there. The 10 minute drive to New Albany was the longest 10 minutes I have ever lived to my knowledge. Everything that has happened in my life decided to run through my head within that short time. I thought of life, death, my family, friends, anything and everything I ponder about, good and bad.

Right as we approached the School I remember taking a deep breath, looking at my Mother for a second, gulping, and then getting out of the car to be imprisoned for 8 hours. My mother always use to drive me to School relatively late, about 15 minutes after the bus's dropped all the students off. My first room I was suppose to go to was Senior Seminar, Mrs. Cheney's room. Mrs. Cheney was my main teacher, in 7th grade I was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on an IEP which meant for me to be assigned a 'slow' selection of class's and teacher, So I had her for 4 of my 7 classes which helped my situation.

I remember entering the class having all eyes on me like usual, entering late. I would always sit in the back next to two of my friends. Everything was going smoothly until Mrs. Cheney wanted the class's attention. I remember how quiet it was, and I felt extremely hot as if it was a replay of two day's ago. I began to sweat and I felt I was going to die...I remember quickly raising my hand and asking to go to the bathroom, She told me to wait. As I was denied to leave, every bad situation that could happen, ran throughout my brain. I remember thinking how I might pass out and the Ambulance coming, or some sort of chaos and embarrassment. I could take it no longer, I needed fresh air, freedom, I even debated leaving School and going to my dads. I finally raised my hand a second time, Mrs. Cheney noticed I looked extremely in need to be excused, so she waved me off. I rushed outside breathing heavy and shot with a big fucking ball of utter confusion. What the hell was I suppose to do? I couldn't keep doing this everyday.

I remember that day I skipped about 4 of my 8 classes, 2 of them involving Mrs. Cheney so she would have to know I skipped. I remained mostly with one of my close friends frequently making trips to the Parking Lot to chain smoke cigarettes. I remember outside looking at the clouds and the light drift of snow on the ground feeling...a form of order, everything felt okay, I was going to be alright, it was as if the clouds symbolized hope. Little did I know I had a long journey before that would come to play.

School went by fast, it was weird, I awoke and figured this day be the day I die, but I made it through. I was frightened, scared shitless, and traumatized, but I made it. I almost never took the bus home, I would have two of my close friends drive me to my house or to the trap house where we would smoke pot. Today I decided smoking would help, I felt stressed, tight, tense, I needed to release it. I remember how dim and dark the room was as we began smoking. The feeling crept upon me very quickly, a good 10 minutes into smoking. I brushed the feeling off smoking more then usual though. I then felt twisted, deranged, and as far as I could be from reality. I remember quickly taking my leave and walking to my house which was a block away.

Walking back to my house I can remember the tree's twisting and curling like demons almost. I was so scared I almost just gave up and fell to the pavement, but I kept walking trying my hardest to shake off these things I was seeing. As I got home I slumped on my new bed, the couch, and turned on the television. I remember breathing heavy and taking a few long drags of my cigarette before attempting to sleep this off. As I closed my eyes, I drifted off into a different place, I was set in Nirvana, nothing was wrong, I felt complete and at peace. Dumbfounded I opened my eyes to see if my vision was a reality, but it wasn't just a dark room full of misery. I slowly closed my tear covered eyes as I drifted off to sleep hoping the next day will be better...

The Second Day.

I remember waking up on the couch, the sun piercing my eyes. I remember the first thing, absolutely first thing I muttered to myself, drowsy and half asleep was, 'Am I okay now?'. I looked around the room feeling out of place, right when I felt this way my stomach just began to twist and curl in fear. I remember thinking, 'This can't happen to me, why is this still here? What the hell is this?! What do i do!' My mother worked that day so there I was all alone in the house distorted and twisted in some fucked up reality.

I quickly went to the closest mirror and stared directly into it for at least 10 minutes. I remember looking so deep into my own reflection I drifted off into my own nirvana of peace momentarily, until it quickly burned away...I looked deep into my eyes, I could tell how afraid I was, 'Am I going to die?' I thought to myself. It was exactly like yesterday but worse...My eyes captured something so ludicrous and so wretched I remember quickly running back to the couch and burying my hope and eyes into the pillow and going back to sleep.

I awoke again, 'Was this all just a bad dream?' I ponder about the situation before noticing my Mother was home in the chair next to the couch watching Television. I looked around quickly to figure out if whatever this was remained, or left...Everything was still twisted as it was before, I remember looking towards my Mother and explaining the best I could how I have felt. She was unsure what to do about this chaos, so the motherly thing to do was to just reassure me I would be fine...Sadly that was a huge disappointment and a lie.

The one thing that I could not stop thinking about was having School the next day...Was this going to still be around tomorrow? If so, what the hell was I suppose to do, I was in no shape mentally to be learning about anything. Again the motherly reassurance was given to me as I attempted to sleep.

I remember before going to bed on the couch, (My new bed for the next year) I was praying. I do not know who I was praying to, I didn't really believe in a God, I was open about the whole Religious ordeal though. I guess I was just praying to someone, something out there to help me. Tears slowly streaming down my cheeks as I kept begging this greater good to rid this twisted form of my reality...I then finally decided to attempt to get sleep...

The Intro.

I guess I am just making this to kill time, or possibly to tell my life to anyone interested...I'm not quite sure yet...I guess the main reason for this is to just explain my life, my struggle, my chaos, and my depression. All of these things do not exist in my life anymore, but they did for the longest year and a half of my life.

I guess I will start at the beginning, where this hell first emerged. I remember it vividly, December 12th 2007. My mother and I were driving to Easton for Christmas shopping. All I can recall that drive was this uncomfortable feeling that was almost unbearable. I felt as if I was going to explode mentally. Everything around me distorted into a skewed form of a awful trip. I felt hot, sweaty, my pulse sky rocketed, it was as if a heart attack became friends with a bad acid trip, and decided to make me the victim.

Before I go further into this one traumatizing day that leads into 432 more days of suffering and hell I would like to go one day before this.

I remember I was at a friends house, that whole week we decided to smoke pot and drink beers, a normal routine at that. And it was like any other daily dose of my so called life at the time. But I thought it would be divine to smoke an entire blunt to myself, 'why the hell not right?' I said. I mean I was 17 at the time, and as Kurt Cobain once said, 'It is better to burn out then fade away.' I was down for any form of mayhem I could find. Life was full of hits of acid, to ether huffed in a mall parking lot. My body and brain were on the verge of self destruction, it is pretty obvious now that this is what caused this horrid Anxiety I dealt with for some time...Continuing to the next day of course.

I remember being in the car, hot, sweating, beyond scared, I was petrified. I wanted all existence of what I thought was real, to just stop. My mother did not know what exactly to do, she figured it was just a weird coincidence of some matter, (she was unaware of the many days of drug use.) She took me to Steak and Shake to calm myself down. I remember repeating Rancid, Red Hot Moon to attempt to calm me down...Great idea right?

After eating and semi-calming down, we decided to continue our adventure into one of the most populated malls I am aware of in Columbus, again great idea for a 17 year old mental wreck yes? Anyways, we went into Sharper Image looking around and I remember feeling almost high, but I do not recall smoking? I wasn't sure what was going on at all, I was lost in an endless confusion, I was at a lost for words, stumped, just fucking clueless. After shopping around for only about an hour we finally departed for home, my new resting area for the next almost year...And so it begins, I thought it was a one day skewed weird happening, but I was completely wrong...I had much more to come, I was in for one fucking ride, that I will soon remember for the rest of my life.